BYU's Culture Needs to Change

Well, here I am writing again. I seem to write when I'm frustrated about things. Sometimes I wish I could turn this energy onto my homework but then my brain says no, freaks out, and then I end up just procrastinating homework and my future. Why should today be any different?

Today I had an enlightening conversation with my boss. Basically he's an awesome guy and knows a lot of random stuff. I feel really quite stupid when I talk to him but I somehow enjoy it. Maybe because it's enlightening? Sure, we'll go with that. Anyway, I was talking to my coworker about my boyfriend's nephew. I said how his nephew, E, is one of the cutest little boys. I explained how I generally don't like red hair but that E's is pretty adorable. The snippet of what happened next is still a bit of a sore subject for me. (Preface: My coworker is the nicest girl you will ever meet. She is happily married as of this summer and she just wants me to experience that same level of happiness too. Don't hate on her.)

Coworker: "Does your boyfriend have red hair?"

Me: "No, he doesn't.

Coworker: "Ah, but your children will have red hair!"

Luckily for me, my coworker had to take a phone call just after saying this so I didn't have to respond. I really don't know how I would have responded to her remark, honestly. I might have guffawed in confusion or ignored the comment altogether. I wouldn't have gotten mad or overly offended, as that's not who I am and her words were not meant as a personal attack, but I did reach the point where I wanted to deny everything she said.

My boss overheard my coworker's response and sparked a discussion by beginning with "BYU's culture needs to change." I can't list how many times I've said this (or at least wanted to) because I wholeheartedly believe that the culture needs to change. Not that BYU is a bad place—in fact, it's a pretty great place and I love being here—but there are some beliefs that really need to shift.

Just because you're dating someone doesn't mean you're going to marry them.

I'm almost twenty-one and I can list the number of "exclusive" boyfriends I have had on one hand. But the number of guys I've dated is surprisingly a lot.  I've kissed my fair share of toads and I still haven't met the man I plan to marry. And that's okay. Not that any of these guys were bad, but they just weren't right. There's nothing wrong with that; it just means that I need to keep searching.

And my boyfriend now, he's a great guy. Like one of the best I've met in a long time. But just because he's a good guy doesn't mean he's the one for me. We've now been dating for just over a month and I like him, but I'm still getting to know him. And why would I want to marry someone that I still don't really know? I mean marriage is definitely a learning process, but I don't want to have to learn all about the person I'm living with as I'm trying to adjust to living with them as well.

I know there are some people out there that can know to marry their significant other after the second date, but I'm just not like that. If you are, that's great. Just know that we each work at our own pace and I'm still trying to collect my thoughts about even having a boyfriend, let alone marrying him.

Everyone knows that dating either ends with the end of a relationship or it turns into marriage. There isn't really an in-between. With Mormons, everything is sped up. (Because since you're going to spend eternity with someone, you better know if the guy you're dating is that person by date number three.) The problem with jumping to marriage talks means that I no longer look at my boyfriend as the really great guy I'm dating, but as marriage potential. Does he fit these standards that I've always wanted? Will he be a good provider? While these are things I will eventually need to consider, I shouldn't just write him off because he doesn't seem like marriage material  on the first date. If I find him interesting then I should keep learning about him rather than planning out our children's names.

There's already enough pressure with dating. I mean, once you are married, you're with this person for eternity. That's a really long time. So don't you want to love your choice? Yes, so stop worrying about if the guy that just asked for your number is going to make a good husband; try getting to know him and maybe he'll surprise you. After all, you learn a lot about the true person you're dating once they become truly comfortable around you.

In the end, I know everyone's still going to crack jokes about how I'll be engaged within 6 months but I just wanted to speak out. Stop adding pressure to the dating game. I'll marry whom I want when I want. And frankly, it's no one else's business but mine and my boyfriend's. If I choose to share details into my personal life then please don't assume more than what I tell you. This is my life and I'm going to make my own decisions the way I see fit. I understand that those that are happily married would like to see all their friends the same way, but give it time. Don't add unnecessary pressure to a foundation that is still being laid. After all, that could cause it to crack and we don't want that.